Celia Kokoris, Dr. Judy?s summer intern, reflects on what makes a long-distance relationship work and explains why her long-distance flame burnt out.
Since interning this summer for Dr. Judy Kuriansky, I am reading an extensive amount on human relationships, as she is the author of many books including The Complete Idiot?s Guide ? to a Healthy Relationship and The Complete Idiot?s Guide? to Dating. It?s a lucky experience, since the information in these books really helped me further understand my first serious relationship, which happened to be long-distance.
Ah, yes, long distance relationships. When you mention that topic, people always seem to bring up problems: incessant fighting, the agony of not being able to see each other for long periods of time, and distrust that your partner is being faithful (given that not cheating is hard for most people to do anyway). Only the most formidable relationships seem able to survive long stretches of time apart.
In contrast to all this negativity, I was drawn to the more encouraging advice Dr. Judy wrote in her book, The Complete Idiot?s Guide ? to a Healthy Relationship, ?Long distance love is possible if you make an effort to stay in touch.?? The key phrase there is, ?make an effort!? Needless to say, I was grateful for that voice of hope in a sea of warnings.
Coincidentally, three of my good friends who go to college with me were also in long distance relationships.? These friends had been with their significant others for relatively long periods of time, much longer than I had been with my long-distance love.? But, I felt as though my boyfriend and I fought considerably less than the rest of these couples. This surprised me because I thought that they would have more problems than I, when in fact, my relationship did not seem as tumultuous and heated as theirs.
I found, like Dr. Judy said in her Complete Idiot?s Guides?, there were some positives to our long distance romance. For example, because we were apart, we increased our communication, mostly through Skype.? We Skyped a few times a week, and communication between us progressively increased as time went on, which, in long distance relationships, is a good thing.? We did our absolute best to try to maintain a solid foundation that was built on trust and mutual respect, despite the fact that we were a time zone from each other.
I just said we did well, but we could have done better. As Dr. Judy warned, the relationship can survive if you work at it, if you are committed to making your relationship last, and if you plan when you will be together.? The fact is, we didn?t work hard enough and I wasn?t committed enough.
After a while, Skype is just not the same as physically being with your partner. The gap between us began to widen as time went on, simply because I became increasingly accustomed to the fact we would probably not be able to see each other much for the next few years.? That led to a negative, in that I began to withdraw emotionally. As time went on, I stopped returning his calls or texting back. And as most relationships go, when the communication began to deteriorate, everything invariably fell apart.
In reviewing what can work, I came to some conclusions.? One conclusion is that for couples who have built an incredibly strong foundation and have been physically present with their significant other for a considerable amount of time pre-long distance, their chances of making it through the extended period of time away from each other significantly increases. It makes sense, after all, if you?re able to be happy and sustain a relationship while you?re together for a relatively long period of time, you?re able to learn more about that person and subsequently have a better grasp on how to communicate during your time apart.
Another conclusion is that timing, in terms of age, is everything.? What I mean is that I think teens and people in their early twenties find it especially difficult to be away from their significant other partly due to biology. When you?re eighteen, nineteen, twenty and even twenty-one years old, you are actively maturing and, as we all know, developmental stages include learning how to wait.? Being in a long distance relationship actively challenges your overall level of maturity by forcing you to develop what?s called delayed gratification, and the triggers that make waiting more tolerable.
As a psychology student, I?m intrigued with this concept of delayed gratification. Psychologists define delayed gratification as the ability to forgo an immediate pleasure or reward in order to gain a more substantial one later. In other words, being in a long distance relationship when you?re nineteen is a serious test of your personal level of self-control ? holding off getting what you want right away.? The fact that you are in college ? one of the densest social environments of your young adult life ? does not help you delay gratification, since you are exposed to many social contacts that are tempting and immediately available.? That instant availability is a direct contrast from being away from your partner for long periods of time. It therefore makes sense that infidelity is more likely to occur, just because you are in an environment where you are more susceptible to meeting someone (or multiple someones) to whom you may be attracted.? Then there is the fact that parties abound, and we all know that copious amounts of alcohol at parties in a college setting does not act as a deterrent to waiting or delaying one?s impulses.
So what are the factors that make long distance relationships work?? As Dr. Judy has said, it depends on how often the couple gets to see each other, how strong the foundation of their relationship, how well they communicate, how strongly they feel about each other, and the level of trust between them.? All these factors play into how well they will be able to successfully sustain their bond, even though far apart.
Communication is, in fact, a key and essential element that will cement a strong foundation for relationship. You hear that word ?communication? all the time when referring to relationships, with generic phrases, like ?As long as you have great communication, it?s bound to last.? When I was in a long distance relationship, I would constantly hear my friends, and even my mother, tell me that long distance love can last as long as we communicate. For example, in Dr. Judy?s book The Complete Idiot?s Guide ? to a Healthy Relationship,? Dr. Judy states, ?Communication is the key.?
Despite the obvious shortcomings in that long distance relationship, I do not regret it. I learned a lot, about myself and about love.? In the end, such a long distance love may be something every person will encounter at some point during his or her life.? Long distance love helped me realize, and better understand, fears I harbor towards intimacy and relationships in general.? Now I?m more ready and open for intimacy and true love whether near of far.
Source: http://idiotsguidesblog.com/2011/08/the-low-down-on-long-distance-relationships-by-celia-kokoris/
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